Sunday, November 9, 2008

Big Ole Goofy Girl

So this is not a "true confessions" blog - mostly it is about horses, with a little other stuff thrown in occasionally. Just like today - horses with a bit of other stuff thrown in. See, I'm thinking about goofiness and congruence and horses. Do you know that line in John Prine's song:

There's a big old goofy man
dancing with a big old goofy girl,
Oh baby, it's a big old goofy world

I just love that line. Makes me laugh and cry all at the same time. Because I have this great, big old goofy, geeky self that I have spent just years and years carefully camouflaging. OMG - is that what this blog is about? Outting my inner goof?

Thing is, you see that big ole goofy woman sitting on top of that delicious red horse? She is filled to over-flowing with delight. Thanks to some little silly cosmic twist, delight and goofiness run hand-in-hand through my heart and body. Together, they often tumble out as exuberance - I can be one of the most exuberant folks you'll ever come across. Exuberance is a mixed blessing.

Function:adjective Etymology: Middle English, from Middle French, from Latin exuberant-, exuberans, present participle of exuberare to be abundant, from ex- + uber fruitful, Date: 15th century

1: extreme or excessive in degree, size, or extent <exuberant prosperity>

2 a: joyously unrestrained and enthusiastic <exuberant praise> exuberant personality>
b: unrestrained or elaborate especially in style : flamboyant <exuberant architecture>

3: produced in extreme abundance : plentiful <exuberant foliage and vegetation>

About 6 months after Red and I became a team I was walking across the general pasture with another woman to fetch our horses. I am positively overflowing with exuberance on the way to meet my beloved Red. Other woman looks at me, asks, "Are you on speed." I ask her how come she said that and I learned that she sees me as extremely happy and bubbly all the time, ie, exuberant. "Well I have a horse, of course I'm happy all the time (duh)." I was exuberant, as in abundant, excessive, joyously unrestrained.

Oh yeah, that is how we roll - well, usually when no one else is looking. Cuz baby, "joyously unrestrained" is can sometimes be just too much for folks to be around for long. It was definitely not cool from day one in kindergarten. Really I care not one tiny bit about being cool. These days. But little Cherie Ann desperately wanted to have friends, and making friends was forever a puzzle for which I never found all the pieces. On that first day of school, encountering legions of other kids coolly accessing my geeky little self, came the first lesson of Incongruence 101.

Incongruence is the art of masking what you truly experience and feel. One thing outside, something altogether different on the inside. It is the ticket for growing up uncomfortable in your own skin. For some of the introverted geeky little kids of the world, at least this one, it becomes the trick of learning to "fit in" and make friends - sort of. I guess I developed a host of tricky disguises that sort of squashed all that exuberance down to a small sputter, one that thankfully never fully extinguished. Becoming congruent - becoming consistent within myself, has meant kissing outgrown disguises farewell and daring to risk the discomfort, to revel in the comfort of just being me - silly, goofy, uses too many big words me.


CoyoteFe said...

Oh, good on with splendid exuberance. No one ever asked me if I were on speed, but ... :-)

CoyoteFe said...

Eeash - I mean "goof on".

Lori Skoog said...

I am adding your blog to my links. I love what you have written and it seems to me you are in a good place. Stay just the way you are...and I am sure your horses love you that way. I am here through Coyote Road's links.